


As Light As The Blue-White Lily

by simpforweebs



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, Character Death, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hospitals, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Illness, M/M, Major Illness, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-13 19:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28659054
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/simpforweebs/pseuds/simpforweebs
Summary: The blue and white lily represents the lovely bond between two people.Two people who will be seperate forever in less than six months, due to an inevitable stroke of fate.“I hope you are now in one of our countless universes, in which we share a secret and understand the meaning behind the blue and white lily.”
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Bokuto Koutarou & Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 12





	As Light As The Blue-White Lily

**Author's Note:**

> !THIS IS A REUPLOAD! 
> 
> I had already uploaded this fic on December 24th. I had some issues that more or less forced me to take the story down.
> 
> I still want to share it with you.  
> So here you go!

His everyday life began: getting up, jogging, showering, having breakfast, and because he stubbornly ignored his alarm clock for the first twenty minutes every damn morning, he had to hurry to get to school in time; despite this knowledge, the sport couldn't be missed.

“Bokuto!!”

Koutarou quickly turned his head to the right and then looked into the energetic, smiling face of his friend Komi.

“Hey, hey, heyy!”

In response, Komi patted Koutarou lightly on the shoulder, and smiled happily at him.

“So how did you spend your holidays? Did you do anything else than practice for volleyball?”

Koutarou held out his outstretched thumb euphorically in his direction.

“Yes! I did a lot, and it had nothing to do with volleyball at all. You?”

The two boys chatted nonstop on their way to school about their holidays - neither said a word about volleyball, which was quite unusual for them.

Once in the classroom, Koutarou first had to get used to everyday school life, after all he was used to individual freedom for several weeks, which he also wanted for the next few months. He spent his breaks with Komi and Konoha, who - just like him - didn't change a bit in their style.

Now the time had come: After three weeks, the boys were finally able to re-enter the newly painted gymnasium.

“Wow, I remember it so much differently,” Komi exclaimed enthusiastically. The team members could only agree with him.

“Is everyone here now?” coach Yamiji asked across the crowd.

“No,” came suddenly from the back row.

_No?_

Koutarou slowly turned on his own axis to investigate the assertion of his teammate: and indeed, the black-haired setter was missing.

“Akaashi is missing.”

The words echoed around the room, since no one obviously had a suitable answer ready.

Koutarou put on a perplexed facial expression. Questions about the sudden absence of his important team member arose, and immediately Koutarou stormed to the locker room to find out about Keiji by phone.

[HEY HEY HEY!!!] sent: 2:33 PM

No Answer.

[Akaaashiii, where are you?] sent: 2:38 PM

Still no signs of a following answer.

After another few minutes, in which Koutarou waited longingly for an answer, Sarukui reached the locker room and explained with hasty hand movements that Keiji had just arrived. The silver-haired sat up confused, he felt ignored. Koutarou then followed the spiker back into the hall.

“Akaashhi, hey hey, how did your holidays go?! Mine were great!” Koutarou asked euphorically, and held out the peace sign to Keiji while he beamed broadly at him.

The black-haired setter didn't answer, he didn't even show a little interest in his question. Instead, he ran up to the coach in a coordinated manner, bowed and waited for a fair punishment, like not being allowed to participate in the first training match - but they needed the setter, and above all he was just a few minutes late, that would not be punished.

But even these few minutes of being late aroused Koutarou's interest.

 _Maybe it was just a coincidence,_ he thought, _after all, it's the first day of school._

After Keiji apologized, they passionately played several training matches to get used to the familiar climate again. At first it sounded strange, but the several weeks break helped the team to find themselves anew and regain their familiar strength. Because shortly before the summer holidays, Fukurodani - in contrast to Karasuno and Nekoma - was quite behind, which was demonstrated by the predominantly lost games at the summer camp. Hopefully the team has now been shown what caused this.

“Is it just me, or does Akaashi seem more absent than usual today?”  
Koutarou pricked up his ears when he heard the dark blonde spiker's statement.

“Hey, hey, I noticed that too. Usually he at least spends his time with me, right? Did I do something wrong?!” the silver-haired man brought in curiously.

“You know him, it's Akaashi, guys. What y'all expect? Bokuto, just go to him after training,” Konoha suggested calmly, whereupon Koutarou nodded routinely.

No sooner said than done: After showering, Koutarou went to the black-haired teenager to find out more.

“Tell me, Akaashi, why are you always so apathetic towards us?” Koutarou asked frankly, and then the addressed person winced.

“I'm not at all.”

Keiji left the locker room without saying another word. He obviously wanted to be alone, but it wouldn't be Koutarou if he let him go now, would it?

“Yes, you are! That shouldn't be a reproach, of course, but you even distance yourself from mine. You never wrote to me during the holidays!” Koutarou kept pace with him as they made their usual way home.

Keiji just shrugged his shoulders and decided to be silent the rest of the way. That obviously got on Koutarou's nerves, but even he had a bit of sensitivity which prevented him from saying something disturbing - which usually did not suit him at all. And the setter's long silence told him something was wrong.

“So, I'll see you tomorrow, right?”

Keiji nodded, and he looked determined. Determined to remain silent. But suddenly he stopped, turned to Koutarou and looked deeply into his eyes.

Now he saw something.

That expressionless look, and these frightening coal-black circles under the reddened eyes.

Koutarou was right: Something was really wrong here.

For a moment, Keiji looked like he was about to say something but couldn't get his mouth open. Koutarou could literally see in his expression how something was constricting his throat - how something oppressive forced the air out of his lungs. His expressionless gaze turned into an agonized, desperate one that silently screamed for help.

Koutarou wanted to spread his arms, wrap them around him, and say that he could talk to him about anything. But instead, he stood there as if he was rooted to the spot and didn't move a bit.

He hated himself for it, but the confusion held him back.

“See you, Bokuto.”

A faint smile graced Keiji's visibly trembling lips.

“T-Tomorrow, right?” At last Koutarou thawed out of his stupor and made sure to see Keiji again as soon as possible.

"Tomorrow."

* * *

_Tomorrow_ , this word came up repeatedly in Koutarou's mind the following night. But what was much more serious was the face that went with it, saying the word in that forced way that made Koutarou shiver. As if he would never see him again. Thereupon Koutarou startled up concerned, grabbed his cell phone and opened WhatsApp.

[Are you still awake? :D] sent by Bokuto: 02:09 AM

No Answer.

Koutarou reacted a bit disappointed because he interpreted too much into the last encounter with Keiji; more than he should. But why? Especially, what was he imaging?

One thing was certain: Koutarou was worried about Keiji. More than he would openly admit to himself. But he just couldn't forget this fragile, exhausted sight of the setter - at least not for this night, or for the following nights.

Resigned, Koutarou lowered his cell phone in his hand until the display lit up brightly. The Spiker raised his hand euphorically.

_New message from: Akaashi_

[Why are you texting me that late, Bokuto-san? Anything important?] sent 2:14 AM

Excited but reassured, Koutarou stared at the screen, wondering what to answer.

That bland message made his heart beat too fast, Koutarou noticed.

Koutarou nervously typed in a few answers, but he didn't really like any of them until he decided on the simplest one:

[Nothing special :)] sent: 2:16 AM

[Why are u up so late tho? I thought, i was the only one on weekdays who'd regret not gonna sleep!!] sent: 2:18 AM

Koutarou couldn't just leave it with this one message because he already knew that Keiji wouldn't react to it. Unfortunately.

[I was still reading and somehow misjudged the time. I don't know, sometimes I read a completely different time on my phone display than on my bedside clock. It's probably because I'm not used to this blue light that late. Sorry, I didn't mean to text you in full.] sent: 02:22 AM

Koutarou never expected such a complex response from the setter. That made the silver-haired man feel honored for a moment before he worried too much again over his following message.

Why was it so important to him?  
Why didn't he just write what first came to his mind?

[It's okay, you can write me as much as you want, haha.] sent: 02:24 AM

Koutarou and Keiji were never close friends, and although they sometimes spent their breaks together, the silver-haired man didn't necessarily refer to them as these. No matter how dearly he wanted it.  
He never understood what he found so fascinating about this boy, but maybe it was just his mysterious, dismissive way that Koutarou wanted to win over. Was that just a game too? No, after all it was about a person, a living person who thinks and acts like him. He knew that.

There was no further message.

After this frustrating realization, Koutarou put his cell phone aside and snuggled into his blanket. His eyelids began to close, which eventually drove him to sleep.

The sport had to be missed for today.

* * *

Although he only slept three full hours, Koutarou felt more energetic than usual. He was motivated, and therefore the movements he performed were all the more energetic. He wasted no thought on not performing his morning ritual; it didn't bother him. His anticipation to see Keiji again outweighed his remaining concerns. His worries on Keiji's current state also subsided, thanks to the lively text messages they sent back and forth tonight.

Koutarou didn't know what made him so energetic, but it was definitely different from his usual mood, which was also full of energy, but completely without any further feelings of happiness.

He walked along his everyday way to school, greeting Komi and Konoha, who were also amazed at Koutarou's exuberant mood.

“Bokuto, is everything okay? You seem kinda.. like if your mood has been doubled,” Konoha said as he crossed his arm behind his head.

“Oh, just... nothing. I didn't go jogging today, so I'm looking forward to training today!”

 _Maybe this isn't even a lie_ , Bokuto thought.

The school day went as usual - nothing special, nothing striking. Koutarou wanted to have lunch with Keiji, but his two friends, Konoha and Komi, wanted to tell him about the new irrelevant WhatsApp group, which is why he could not keep up with his anticipation.

_The longer I have to wait, the greater the joy, right?_

Or the greater the impatience.

Now Koutarou faced the long-awaited situation as soon as he faced the large entrance door to the gymnasium. He opened the huge door and crossed it with Konoha and Komi, who also did not leave his side today.

“Akaaashiiii!!!” Koutarou shouted euphorically, while the team members just looked at him in dismay. Their looks betrayed their mood: enthusiasm floated in the air.

“He announced that he'll come later today.”

 _Again?_ This question repeated itself in his head for a second, and renewed confusion overcame him. He shook his head distractingly. He had to put all these worries aside, what would that lead him to?

“No, I'm already here. Sorry for the confusion.”

Koutarou turned towards the entrance with a swing and looked joyfully into an exhausted but smiling face. That smile - it was barely noticeable and weak, but that made it even more precious. Therefore, Koutarou found it authentic. It was, wasn't it? At least it made his heart skip first and then continue beating at double the speed.

The first thing that caught Koutarou's eye was the pale skin of the black-haired setter.

“Akaashi! Did you run? You look pretty exhausted. Well, in the end you slept just as little as I did, right?” Koutarou joked recklessly.

“Yes, I ran.”  
_Evasive, as always._

After a few minutes, Keiji finished changing clothes, and they were finally able to start the training sessions. They split the team into two smaller troops, which kept competing against each other. Fortunately, Koutarou shared a team with Keiji.

The first two games went well and Koutarou's team won the first match, but even if you were inattentive you could tell how distracted Koutarou actually was. He paid more attention to the accurate movements of the player on the net than to the actual events. But the closer analysis of the captain also made him notice that Keiji's strength waned faster than it was usually the case.

First and foremost, Keiji missed the ball by receiving it too early. Nobody noticed that yet. First he should just block out this natural mistake and move on, but he didn't. The second thing which Koutarou saw was that he suddenly and involuntarily raised his arms, quickly disguising it as an upper ball receiver, although the ball did not even come near him.

_Maybe it's all just a stupid coincidence, and that's because he's exhausted from the arrival._

Koutarou couldn't avert his tense gaze, and the next ball promptly fell at Keiji's feet, which definitely wasn't just the second time.

Akaashi Keiji's attention seems obviously to be wandering, and this was also noticed by their coach, who whistled the setter to him immediately after the game was over. He winced like a frightened deer.

The coach didn't let Keiji out on the field for the rest of the training session.

The players took turns unsure which of them should replace Keiji because he was needed. Koutarou wondered if their couch was disciplining or protecting Keiji.

Without further ado, he decided to get to know the introverted setter better.

After the strenuous training, Koutarou rushed to Keiji, who was currently in the locker room. He tried feebly to stuff his workout clothes into his pocket. His hands were trembling, which visibly confused Koutarou.

“Come on, I'll help you,” Koutarou offered with his infamous broad smile, and pushed the perplexed Keiji to the right.

“I can do this on my own, thank you, Bokuto-san.” Keiji dragged his bag to another place, continued trying to squeeze his soaked clothes in there - this time with success.

“What was wrong with you today, Akaashi?” Koutarou asked directly, without any hesitation.

“What was tod—” Keiji paused for a moment, and then clapped his hand over his mouth with wide eyes, “I was just a little confused today. Nothing more, Bokuto-san.” He quickly recovered.

“Akaashi.”

Keiji sighed, looked up indifferently at Koutarou, and when Koutarou did not continue, he asked:

“What is it, Bokuto-san?”

A big smile crept over Koutarou's lips.

“I wanna get to know you better, Akaashi Keiji. How about if we were friends from now on?”

Keiji promptly averted his gaze and reluctantly directed it to the floor. After a few seconds of silence, the black-haired teenager finally lifted his head again, and his fragile smile reappeared, which activated Koutarou's butterflies in his stomach. His cheeks glowed, but most of all he was pleased.

“I think that's a good idea, Bokuto Koutarou.”

* * *

After three weeks, Koutarou decided to confess his feelings to Keiji. He noticed those feelings for the setter a few days ago. It wasn't just a normal exchange of looks between friends; he noticed the significant change in his train of thought, the burgeoning tingling in his stomach and his pounding heart when he looked at the black-haired teen. In contrast to the first training match, the latter looked completely normal again, maybe Koutarou had just overrated everything, and the setter was actually doing great. After the second training session, during which Keiji did not seem to be himself, everything went back to normal and the matches went on as usual.

Today, Koutarou would meet Keiji, as they did so often, but this time it had to be a different meeting. A meeting where one confesses his love to the other - and both of them hopefully return arm in arm, beaming.

Early in the morning, Koutarou got up excitedly. He yawned, stretched his arms in the air, and stared dreamily at the ceiling. He ran his hand through his sticky hair, grabbed his cell phone, and checked his latest messages. Keiji agreed to the date two hours after Koutarou fell asleep. He wasn't surprised that Keiji replied that late again - he was totally blinded by the rising joy.

Koutarou had been preparing this date for a while; now he couldn't wait any longer. Excitedly, he stormed into the bathroom and styled his hair. They stood out in all directions, then he didn't like this or that strand which just didn't want to obey him. After a few minutes, he beamed at his reflection, satisfied with himself.

He returned to his room and wrote a quick message to Keiji.

[Good Morning! (≧▽≦)] sent: 08:23 AM

Koutarou slipped his cell phone into his pocket and then went into the kitchen. He was having breakfast, and even then he could not forget the thought of _today_. His own words kept reverberating in his head, which he didn't even dare to utter in front of the mirror,

_“I love you.”_

How should he say such strong words to him? Unpretentiously burst into the house with the door or show it with a more elaborate gesture?

It wasn't just _words_ which were pushed onto someone. They should be authentic and express all of his feelings from the past few weeks.

Koutarou sighed desperately. Suddenly his display lit up, and he didn't waste another second not looking at the incoming message.

[Good morning, Bokuto-san.] sent from Akaashi: 8:57 AM

A big smile crept onto his lips and the young man's pair of eyes glared at the screen.

Koutarou didn't hesitate and immediately typed a reply.

[How are you doing today?? :'D] sent: 9:01 AM

_Bzzt ~ 1 new message._

[Pretty good, I guess. Thanks for asking.] sent: 09:03 AM

Koutarou cocked his head and wondered what he should write now.

[You guess? ಠ_ಠ Well, I'll see ya today, right?] sent: 09:05 AM

This was initially not followed by an answer, whereupon Koutarou wondered whether he might have written something wrong. They met, didn't they?

The silver-haired boy looked repeatedly at the clock - every second. Why didn't time go by when you were looking forward to something?

But after three hours passed, the second hand kept ticking, the hour hand turned to twelve, and finally the clock showed: _12:00 PM._

Then, he slipped into his worn shoes and locked the front door behind him.

Koutarou rushed to the bus stop, and there he saw the incoming message from Keiji.

[Where did we want to meet again? Sorry, I replied so late yesterday that I forgot.] sent: 12:14 PM

Koutarou shook his head perplexed, again suppressed his emerging worries about the setter. Were these legitimate, or was the player overestimating the other's repeated confusion? Koutarou knew that he was already worried for no reason.

[Why don't you just scroll up? Or have you already deleted the chat? (； ･`д･´)] sent: 12:17 PM

Koutarou put his cell phone back in his pocket and tapped his foot nervously on the floor; he didn't want to see the next message from Keiji.

After five minutes, the bus stopped right in front of him, and the doors bounced towards him. Koutarou climbed the two steps and sat in one of the back seats, alone.

Should he check his cell phone?

He decided to do it because he would have to check his cell phone at some point anyway. He didn't know what he was afraid of, a rejection?

_No. Keiji wouldn't have asked where the meeting point is if he had wanted to cancel._

Koutarou ran his hand through his hair, completely unnerved by himself.

_My god, what am I doing? It's just a simple message._

With that in mind, he took his cell phone out of his pocket; _no older notifications._

Keiji was a strange person, but that was what made him so attractive. His restrained manner, which didn't reveal much about himself, made him more human. So Koutarou did everything in his power to get to know him better. He wanted to know his secret, share one of himself with him and one day maybe even have a common one.

That one day was today.

Now Koutarou was in front of the entrance to the cinema. He didn't just want to watch a movie with him, he wanted to take him somewhere else afterwards - but he wasn't really thinking about that yet. The arrival and greeting alone weighed much more. At least at the time.

His cell phone tinkled in his hand.

[Sorry, Bokuto-san.] sent by Akaashi: 12:46 PM

Koutarou's heart immediately slipped into his pants.

_What?_

[I'll be there in a moment. Sorry for being late.] sent: 12:47 PM

After Koutarou's heart stopped beating, it continued beating twice as fast after receiving the second message. His big smile appeared; he was glad he hadn't been transferred. That would have robbed him of his last courage, and maybe he would also be a little disappointed.

After a few more minutes which passed, Keiji stepped into his view and Koutarou waved brightly to him.

“Hey, hey, heeyy!!!”

Keiji returned the smile weakly.

“Hello, Bokuto-san. Sorry again for being late, my mother didn't want to let me go at first.”

Bokuto cocked his head and stared at him, perplexed.

“Your mother? You are 17, aren't you gradually allowed to decide for yourself?” Koutarou asked, amused.

“I don't know, she's always so overprotective. But I don't hold it against her. Not at all.” Keiji never talked about his family, but what he said about his mother sounded likeable.

“Sounds nice, do you have a good relationship with your family?” Koutarou wanted to know curiously. He leaned over and looked at him questioningly.

“Partially. We share an apartment for two and we get along really well.”

Koutarou was satisfied with his answer, but still wondered what happened to his father. He didn't want to be so provocative, but it was in his nature, so he asked,

“what about your father?”

Keiji stopped and looked at the floor. He was obviously looking for the right words.

“Well, you don't have to tell me anything if you don't want to. Sorry for asking so inconsiderately...” Koutarou slipped his hand behind his head, waiting for a reaction from the setter.

“No, it's okay.”

Koutarou eyed Keiji suspiciously. He continued to stare at the cobblestone. Koutarou felt guilty, he didn't want to stir up the teen, let alone remind him of repressed times.

Keiji's legs were shaking, he could barely stand still. Koutarou clenched his fists and bit his trembling lower lip.

He didn't want the other person to have a panic attack because of his intrusive questions. That would be an absolutely unimaginable beginning of the one-sided date, Koutarou thought.

“Let's go in, Bokuto-san. The film is sure to start right away, right? Wouldn't be bad to be on time.” Keiji was obviously trying to cover up his growing panic with a sarcastic annotation.

“S-Sure.”

Koutarou couldn't barely take his eyes off him for the next few minutes. Strangely enough, his movements were so involuntary that Koutarou noticed it again.

They each bought a ticket, with Koutarou paying for the black-haired man, and sat in room number 3. It was a bit overcrowded there, but there were still enough seats free. They opted for a double seat in one of the back rows because nobody was sitting there and they had the perfect view at the huge screen.

Koutarou sat on the seat next to Keiji and was briefly annoyed that they had come so late because they had no time to get snacks.

_This is definitely going to be a weird cinema visit._

“Do ya see everything?” The silver-haired man asked, looking over at Keiji. It was more of a rhetorical question, he just wanted to initiate a conversation. Even if it was just a obvious question like this, he made it.

“Yes. By the way, thank you, Bokuto-san.” Keiji didn't take his eyes off the ad.

“It goes without saying, doesn't it?”Koutarou folded his hands nervously.

“No, I mean, thank you for meeting me. That you weren't angry because I was late again. That you were interested in me, my family and our relationship.”

Koutarou's eyes widened and he felt the desire to admit his feelings right now. But his courage left a lot to be desired and he only nodded in response.

The advertisement ended a few seconds later, and so the film began.

The first few moments went smoothly, but after another ten minutes, Koutarou noticed his friend's tension. He wanted to ask, but something was blocking his voice. A fat lump formed in his throat.

Keiji tapped his fingers impatiently on the armrest of the seat, while repeatedly stretching his right leg.

Koutarou couldn't concentrate on the film. 

A few moments later, Keiji regained control of his movements. The nervous tapping on the armrest of the seat stopped while his leg also stood still. Like this, Koutarou liked it much better.

“Is everything okay so far?” Koutarou asked in a whisper. He leaned over to the silent setter, who dared not to look at him.

“Yeah, don't focus on me.”

Now it was Koutarou who was silent.

He realized that Keiji wasn't focused at all. Koutarou saw it even out of the corner of his eye. Keiji's eyes narrowed to the huge screen in front of him, and he seemed so exhausted when Koutarou looked at him. Didn't he like the movie? Or was he just up too late tonight?

Keiji sat up abruptly. In a flash he stood on his wobbly legs, which looked as if they were going to give way and collapse any moment. Koutarou was glad that nobody else was sitting behind them at that moment.

“Akaashi, what's wrong?” Koutarou asked both worried and tense.

Keiji had his palm pressed against the center of his chest, arched his back and gasped for the sharp air his body was obviously missing. His skin looked paler than before and the sparkle in his eyes was gradually fading.

Koutarou straightened up in a panic, didn't waste another moment just watching. He carefully put an arm around Keiji and helped him escape the confined space.

Arrived in the hallway, Koutarou withdrew a bit. Keiji still didn't seem to calm down, his breath came in short intervals and sometimes stopped completely. His grayish-pale skin tone sent a shiver down the back of the silver-haired man. In a split second, Koutarou pulled out his cell phone and dialed the central emergency number.

“Please l-listen, my friend can barely breathe, I-I don't know how l-long he can hold out. We ... we're in a movie theater at the moment, wait, I'll t-tell you the address right now!”

No sooner said than done.

The ambulance arrived after a few minutes. Keiji meanwhile leaned weakly against Koutarou's side and breathed shallowly, and the sight of this gasping body made Koutarou shudder.

He was right from the start: Something was absolutely wrong with Akaashi Keiji's health.

Koutarou immediately felt guilty for repressing the setter's obvious symptoms for the past few weeks, and then dragging him stubbornly into the cinema just to say those three now meaningless words.

He endangered the black-haired man's health just because he did not want to see that his love was likely to suffer from panic attacks.

He touched his forehead as the paramedics lifted Keiji onto a emergency stretcher, transporting him into the ambulance. They put an oxygen mask on him and tried to stabilize him.

Koutarou didn't think twice and then got also into the ambulance.

* * *

A few hours later, Koutarou was finally allowed to visit Keiji. He stopped hesitantly in front of the closed door. Koutarou raised his frightened hand, grasped the doorknob, and gently pushed it down.

A moment later, and Koutarou was standing there, facing his best friend lying in a sickbed. His chest tightened as he saw the setter's resting body. A thin tube ran out of his nose, apparently supplying him with oxygen. A slightly more stable tube was attached to the crook of his arm.

Koutarou's eyes widened promptly. Someone who suffers from panic attacks do not need an infusion, right?

Suddenly everything was made clear to him.

Of course.

The change in character, the visual disturbances, his trembling muscles, the involuntary movements - which Koutarou always noticed - and above all the increased confusion.

It was all part of something bigger; _these were symptoms of a ... disease, weren't they?_

Hot tears burned Koutarou's eyes. He slumped into one of the chairs that was next to the hospital bed.

He gripped the black-haired man's cold hand with trembling fingers.

_How serious is it?  
It's definitely curable, nothing serious._

Koutarou kept trying to convince himself that it couldn't be anything serious.

“Why didn't you tell me? Why did you still go to the cinema with me? Is that why your mother is worried about you? Are you ... that sick?” His voice cracked as the first tears rolled down his cheek. He tightened his grip with every word he dared to speak.

“I lov-” His near-confession was interrupted by a stormy door opening. A woman, who was at least as pretty as this boy, entered the hospital room with tears in her eyes and a tissue in the right hand. It didn't take Koutarou long to guess that this was Keiji's mother.

He jerked the tears off his face with the back of his hand and got up in no time.

The woman looked like she didn't even notice him as she sat down on the warmed chair and, just like Koutarou a moment ago, took the black-haired man's icy hand.

“I'm Koutarou Bokut—” The woman interrupted him again - this time with a desperate sob. “So that's you, I thought so. Keiji hasn't talked to me much in the past few weeks, but when he did, it was always about you. He really likes you, Bokuto-kun.”

Koutarou very much wished he had heard these words under different - better - circumstances. He also wished he had met Keiji's mother somewhere else than the hospital.

But that's the way it was now, and there was nothing he could do about it.

“M-May I ask you what's wrong with Keiji? Why is he lying here?” Scratching up what was left of his courage, Koutarou asked the woman the question that had been bothering him for several minutes.

“I think he should explain that to you himself. Hopefully he'll still be able to.” Keiji's mother let out another sob, followed immediately by bitter tears.

_Is it that serious?_

Several hours passed and it was already getting dark, but Koutarou didn't leave Keiji's side. The setter still didn't open his eyes. His eyelids twitched at times, which Koutarou doubted was a positive sign.

Meanwhile, Keiji's worried mother was arguing with a nurse, but Koutarou had no nerve to listen. He sat on the edge of the bed and gently stroked Keiji's bony hand. His eyelids were already closing, but he was not giving in; he couldn't leave Keiji alone.

After six more past minutes, Keiji's index finger twitched, which immediately perked Koutarou up. He straightened his head and stared into Keiji's face. His eyelids lifted with an effort.

“Akaashi!” Koutarou exclaimed relieved. He took his right hand, cupped it in both hands, and pressed it close to him.

According to his mother, Koutarou expected the worst.

But opening his eyes gave Koutarou the relief he had been eagerly awaiting in the last few hours.

“W-Where am I...?”  
His voice sounded rough and exhausted, powerless.

“Don't worry,” Koutarou began in a soft voice, “you're in the hospital.”

This time Koutarou decided to curb his curiosity and concern - he didn't want to burst the door straight into the house again.

“In the hospital?” Keiji averted his gaze. “How come?”

Koutarou screwed up his eyes, hoping that Keiji was just a little dazed from the long absence.  
He didn't want to admit that Keiji was sick.

On that day he wanted to confess his love to him, kiss him and wait to see what the other person's reaction was.  
Instead, he crouched down next to him on the hospital bed, desperate for his life and hoping to speak to him again.  
_He's not going to die, is he?_

_No, Koutarou, you're just exaggerating! Of course he is not going to die, geez._

“We watched a movie in the cinema and then you... you couldn't breathe. I called the ambulance and now I'm sitting here imagining every ridiculous scenario. Your mother is talking to several Doctors and a nurse, she'll probably be right back.”

“Then you already know.” He turned his head back in Koutarou's direction, his expression was emotionless, and the older man couldn't read anything in his tired eyes.

“Know what?” Koutarou asked curiously.

Now he would know.  
That everything was not as bad as he thought, that he only had to spend one night in the hospital to monitor.

Koutarou's heart threatened to jump out of his chest at any moment.

“I'm sick.”

And it did.  
At least it felt like that.

Koutarou's hopes faded in an instant, now everything seemed black. He felt the lump thicken in his throat. Something was blocking both his mouth and nose, he couldn't get a single breath of air. His hands froze, as did the rest of his body.

And he could hear his own heart pounding in his chest.

“C-Can that be cured?”  
Koutarou wanted that precious smile back - he wanted to see his Keiji laugh.

“No.”

Koutarou's heart stopped instantly. Tears formed on its waterline. What secretly shocked him much more was the younger man's indifference, as if he had already resigned himself to it - as if he was just waiting for his death.

_Is it a fatal disease at all?_

“It's terminal.”

_No, that can't be true._

_That just couldn't be true._

_How did he deserve this?_

_Why he?_

“H-How much t-time ... do you h-have left?” Koutarou hardly dared to formulate this question. He wasn't sure if he even wanted to know the answer. He probably didn't want to.

“According to my last appointment, five or six months. It was a week ago.”

Koutarou clenched his teeth, trying to bridge the bitter tears. His heart was beating incredibly fast in his chest.

In less than six months, they would be separated forever. Keiji would find his peace, but Koutarou? How should he deal with it? How should he live without him? What reason is there not to give up, too?

“I don't want... I don't want you to go!! You have your entire life ahead of you! How cruel can this world be that it pulls you piece by piece into the abyss?! Why you? Why not.. why not me, damn it?!”

Koutarou let his tears run free, screwed up his eyes and pressed Keiji's hand to his forehead.

“Don't say that, Bokuto-san. It sounds like I'm going to die at any moment. I still have plenty of time left, right?  
I can live my life with you by my side, right?”

Koutarou lifted his head slowly and made a sound of agreement.

“I'll give you the best life possible within five months, Akaashi Keiji!”

“You will, Koutarou Bokuto.”

* * *

Akaashi Keiji did not attend school for the next five days.

He was admitted to the hospital, with no other option to stay alive as long as possible.

Despite the upcoming tests, Koutarou went to the hospital every day, the everyday route literally burned into his memory.

_How often will I go this way again until...?_

Keiji's condition was vague, but far from reaching its limits. But just the thought that soon he would not even be able to leave the hospital bed, gradually sent an ice-cold shiver down Koutarou's spine.

The former setter was still able to leave the hospital, but the youngster's impetus left much to be desired - there were seldom days when Keiji wanted to get out of bed. His physical condition allowed him to do so, but his mental powerlessness robbed him of all the possibilities that he could now achieve.

“Hey, hey, hey, Akaashi!”

Koutarou entered the black-haired teen's room enthusiastically. He smiled broadly at him and sat down on the uncomfortable chair that became his regular seat. Keiji was sitting upright in his bed, his expressionless gaze directed out the window.

“Akaashi, how about we do something different today than mutual silence - not that I mind, but I've already chosen something!”

Keiji showed no reaction. But Koutarou did not let that affect him. That would be the biggest mistake he could have made, he learned that in the past few days.

“What do you think about we do a little lap in the hospital garden?”

Keiji slowly averted his gaze from the window, turned his head and stared straight into Koutarou's eyes.

“What... what did you say again?”

The increasing confusion of the younger one broke Koutarou again and again. Keiji abruptly reached out his left arm, which was visibly shaking.

Suddenly something happened that Koutarou couldn't imagine in life - Keiji sobbed.

“D-Dad?” The setter tilted his head, his eyes fell behind Koutarou, who promptly turned around. Nobody was there.

_Crap. Is that also part of it?_

“N-No, don't ... don't go! Dad!”

Koutarou clenched his fists, grinding his teeth. He couldn't do this to himself a second longer. He would have loved to run out and never come back again.

He turned back to the troubled setter, took his outstretched hand, and placed it in his own. The ice-cold finger bones particularly stood out.

“I'm here, Keiji, I will always be here,” Koutarou whispered in a soothing voice. Bitter tears landed on the back of his hand.

“I'm sorry, Bokuto-san,” Keiji said calmly, after a few minutes filled with silence. Koutarou did not expect such a sentence. He wondered what Keiji was apologizing for. Amazed, he looked into the setter's reddened tired eyes.

“I didn't want you to see me that way, above all I wanted to prevent you from seeing this one side of me. It's terrible. I can barely stand myself meeting my father that often.”

Koutarou pricked up his ears.

“I've never told you about him,” Keiji hesitated, but then continued, “he died five years ago of the same disease as I have now. I've never told you the name of the disease because I didn't want you researching it, and reading up the symptoms or the course of the disease. I had to see with my own eyes how this disease eats you up - inside and outside.

And Koutarou, I'm scared.”

He wanted to tell him that everything will be fine, that he will conquer the disease, and that he will return to his old life.

But it was hopeless.

There was no medication, no helpful therapy, or any other chance of recovery.

He was exposed to his fate, and this would not even allow him to come of age.

“You know, I never got a chance to live. I had to live with the fear from the start that I would die as painfully as my father. The risk existed, but it was small, and yet I was hit by the same stroke of fate as him five years ago.”

Koutarou knew that he had to join in now before Keiji lost himself. He had to appease his worries and be with him, no matter what else the world had in store for him. There wasn't anything worse than a premature death, right?

Or maybe there was just nothing that could remove Keiji's worries. Koutarou had to face the cruel truth:

There was no chance of survival for his first love.

“Then put your fear off now, Akaashi. Live the rest of your life with me by your side. What's the point of giving up prematurely?” Koutarou knew that words couldn't lift Keiji's mood, so he didn't even try.

The truth was cold and painful. And there was no way you could suppress it, because one day it would take revenge in a more agonizing way. Therefore Koutarou faced the fight instead of fleeing from it; because there was no escape. It would catch up with you that one day and it would overwhelm you. In a excruciating and cruel way.

“In my mind I am still playing volleyball, tossing the ball to you and then sinking it into the opposing field. Every day I imagine how we will compete in the national championships together, as a team, and we will continue to score until we are in the finals.

And then, then everything fades away. It suddenly disappears and my thoughts drag me back to the present, in which I wish to live in this parallel universe.”

Keiji first phrased these words with a faint smile that gradually faded. His lips quivered, hoping to finally seal themselves.

“That means... somewhere in one of those parallel universes we will fight our way to the top, Akaashi, nothing will be able to stop us. Nothing and nobody. No disease, no premature death, and nobody's fate.”

Koutarou wanted to hold on to this belief, but he also had to remember that nothing could catapult him into such a universe. It was nice to think of what the world might be like if Keiji weren't sick, but it was all the more depressing when you went back to reality and was painfully reminded that none of this could ever be made possible.

“Shall we go for a walk?” Koutarou suddenly asked out of nowhere.

The setter's faint nod didn't surprised the silver-haired man anymore.

* * *

Koutarou couldn't barely concentrate at school, didn't really attend classes, and didn't join his friends - Komi and Saru.

"Bokuto, do you know what's going on with Akaashi? He no longer shows up for training, just like you, and he hasn't been at school for two weeks either."

Koutarou let out a calm breath when Komi asked him about Keiji. The latter didn't want anyone to know about his illness, which is why Koutarou had to come up with something plausible.

“I dont know.”

Ineffective - the two boys didn't stop poking around.

“He's not doing well, okay? He probably won't be coming to school for a while.”

This lie hit Koutarou harder than it should.

“But he'll be better, won't he?” — “Yes. He will be better,” Koutarou assured.

“Why don't _you_ show up for training, Bokuto? You are an important part of our team, you can perhaps afford to take a few days off, but our team coordination suffers a lot. I hope you will not decide against us.”

Koutarou couldn't bring himself to play volleyball anymore. He could not barely take a step into the field without thinking that Keiji was slowly moving towards his death. He felt guilty about enjoying his life while Keiji suffered from worsening agony.

He knew it was the wrong way to go about it, but his guilt kept pushing himself on and robbing him of the strength he needed.

Keiji certainly didn't want Koutarou to suffer so much from his fate, but the younger one didn't even know why Koutarou was so broken in the first place.

He loved Keiji.

He didn't want to let go of him, he just couldn't.

He died with him. Bit by bit.

The only ironic difference was that Koutarou had to go on living with the knowledge that he had lost his everything.

Koutarou shook his head distractedly to bring himself back to reality - even when he least wanted to be there.

It was already ringing for class, he didn't even hear the annoying ringing of the bell, but he didn't care at all.

He didn't care about anything now.

It was just the end of october, and yet Koutarou was freezing in the cold outside. He was rubbing his cold hands together when his cell phone vibrated in his pocket. Unsuspectingly, Koutarou pulled out the device and looked in disbelief at the message sent by the setter.

[Hey, Bokuto-san. I was just wondering what it would be like if I introduce you to my parents. Would you mind?] sent: 3:34 PM

Koutarou stared at the screen of his cell phone, at the words he was reading. Those who freeze him even more than the minus degrees. It literally blocked his throat, he gasped for breath, wishing he had never read it. Hot tears formed in his eyes and Koutarou almost dropped his cell phone; his hands trembled constantly.

He had to live with that now, that was what made this illness so special.

[Oh god, Koutarou, I'm sorry.] sent by Akaashi: 3:40 PM

The second message brought Koutarou back down to earth, and he wiped the bitter tears from his cheek with the tip of his sleeve. He suppressed his sobs, since he was currently surrounded by youngsters who would certainly take advantage of this.

[It's okay, Akaashi!! I'll be right over there, okay? I've finished school now, the horror is finally over ;D] sent: 3:54 PM

He wished the smiley face was expressing his current mood, but it didn't. Keiji just shouldn't worry any more than he already did.

No Answer. Typical of Keiji.

But sometimes it was these familiar traits of the setter that made him smile - even if it was his familiar 'ignoring'.

Koutarou got on the empty bus, withdrew to the far corner and stared spellbound out the window.

* * *

“BOKUTOO!”

He didn't have to turn his head on to know who was shouting his name.

“What is it, Komi?” he asked, exasperated.

Komi just reached his seat while he continued to stare carefree out of the window.

“I have good news!!” Komi exclaimed happily, and Koutarou pricked up his ears.

Although he had been distracted since realizing Keiji was sick, he couldn't resist the good news.

He moved his head in Komi's direction and looked at him curiously.

“Our coach announced today that we'd go to the training camp again, this time with Karasuno and Nekoma! You'll certainly come with us, right?”

It was odd, because you could literally tell that Komi was insecure about his own question.  
It was odd that you had to ask the enthusiastic team ace if he would go to the training camp.

Usually he would say yes.

“No.”

Komi's receptive facial expression changed into a confused one in no time.

“But... if you don't come with us, we will miss the ace and the setter. Besides, _you_ will be missed!”

Koutarou shrugged disinterestedly.

“What happened to you? You'd always say yes, so what's the problem? I don't understand, a few—” Koutarou interrupted him. He pushed the chair he was sitting on back and pressed his hands on the tabletop, which made Komi startled.

“I don't understand that either! Okay?! Nobody can understand that! I feel different, I am different when... when..”Koutarou stopped, he was unsure whether to say that.

“When?” Komi asked.

 _“When he's not by my side,”_ he completed in his head.

He couldn't tell. He wasn't ready to face the truth bleakly in the eye.  
But he knew: he cannot go on, not without him. Alive or dead, he could no longer live his life.

“Oh, f-forget it. I'm sorry I just freaked out. It's just that Keiji needs my help right now, I can't leave him alone. You can do it without me, right? We are strong, aren't we? But it's not just me, it's you all.”

Koutarou laughed at him with his infamous smile, and although it was partially forced, it felt good.

“Keiji?” Komi raised an eyebrow and looked confused at Koutarou, whereupon he folded his arm behind his head, ashamed.

“Did I say Keiji? I ... I mean Akaashi of course!”

And although he didn't feel like it at all, his old friend managed to make him laugh.

“Kou, are you serious? You're not coming with your team?”

The next guy Koutarou had to face: his best friend, Kuroo.

“Yes, sorry, Tetsu. I really don't have time this week.”

Koutarou wanted to end this conversation right away, but he owed his friend an explanation; at least he deserved one.

He stared hesitantly at the small screen in front of him, on which he was talking to Kuroo. On Facetime, of course, since the black-haired man always insisted on seeing each other via videochat.

“What are you doing that YOU don't have time for volleyball training?”

Koutarou avoided looking into the lens and nervously clasped his hands.

“Kou, I know when something isn't alright. You know you can tell me anything, bro?”

Of course he was aware of that. What he didn't know was whether Keiji wanted Kuroo to know about his illness.

But Koutarou needed someone to confide in. And as soon as possible, otherwise he'd break sooner than Keiji.

And he knew that.

He knew it, and yet he was still silent.

“Kou, I'll come over now, okay? I can see you're home and I don't care if you want me to or not. If you don't know that I'm your friend, at least I want to show you.”

Koutarou shook his head.

“No! O-Of course I know! T-Then ... come over.”

Koutarou said eventually yes, and he didn't know if he was ready to open up.  
But he had to.

Thirty minutes later there was a knock on his door. Koutarou trudges to the door, but hesitated just before he gripped the doorknob.

_Come on, open up._

He opened the door and a relieved Kuroo jumped into his arms.

Completely taken by surprise, he returned the hug, which initially seemed a bit uncomfortable.

“Sorry, Bro. But I was just so worried. That you're no longer playing volleyball, that information just totally pissed me off,” he said after breaking away from the hug.

“Come in first.”

They walked into his bedroom, and there Kuroo sat down on his bed after taking off his jacket.

“What is the real reason you're no longer playing volleyball?”

Koutarou let out a calm breath so as not to burst into tears immediately.  
He didn't want to cry today, no, not today.

Koutarou sat down next to the black-haired man on his bed and began,

“W-Well, that's a little weird. Don't be that suprised, this'll help me, okay?”

Kuroo nodded understandingly.

“Akaashi is not doing well.” Koutarou wrapped it as harmlessly as possible, since he couldn't even think the actual words.  
Despite the request, Kuroo literally looked _that suprised._

“And that's all? He's not doing fine, okay, but what does that have to do with you playing volleyball?”

“He's sick,” he said bluntly this time, without batting an eyelid.

Koutarou's facial muscles were numb.

“R-Really, _that_ sick?” The way his friend emphasized the word sick hurt him more than it should.  
He averted his gaze and it lingered on the pile of used tissues.

He nodded.

“Oh shit, Kou! I-I don't even know how to react to that... but does it bother you so much that you don't want to play volleyball anymore?”

This obvious question showed him that Kuroo didn't understand anything, which promptly made him boil.

“Y-Yall don't understand!” Koutarou yelled cholerically, “Nobody does that...”

He buried his face in his rough hands, not daring to look up. The first tears fell on his palm.

He felt lost, couldn't confide in anyone, and when he did it always ended in chaos. Keiji's blow of fate hit him harder than it hit the setter.

Koutarou only looked up again when an arm unexpectedly went around his shoulder. His eyes burned and he saw only the blurry outline of his friend; of his friend who was there for him. Exactly at the moment when he admittedly needed him the most.

Koutarou buried his moistened face in the crook of the mid-blocker's neck. Koutarou's arms were boldly wrapped around Kuroo's waist, and after a few seconds the silver-haired man felt supporting hands on his hunched back.

Kuroo gently stroked the older man's back, who allowed his tears to run free.

Now he understood what a real friend was. He didn't even have to talk to you, just listen in moments like these and ... be there.

“I love him,” Koutarou whispered in a fragile voice. His swollen, reddened pair of eyes looked into the other's.

“I love him, but I can't tell him because I... I just can't.

He's dying, Tetsurou.”

And so he spoke the words that were forbidden, because there was no escape.

“I know,”

“you should tell him, Kou.”

After that day, Kuroo got used to calling Koutarou every day to check out his condition.

* * *

An infamous fireworks display would take place at his city's fairground today, Komi told Koutarou via Facetime.

“Are you coming with us, Bokuto?” Komi asked with a confident expression, as if it were obvious that Koutarou would accompany them.

But he just shook his head, because he wasn't really in the mood to celebrate, he would much rather be with...

“Ah—” Koutarou escaped, “Guys, I have something to do now, see you tomorrow at school; enjoy the festival!”

Koutarou hung up hastily and opened Google.

Fireworks, October 21st

He found out when exactly the fireworks will take place. He put his cell phone down on his crowded desk and rubbed his hands in excitement when he read that it would start at 7:30 pm. Then he opened WhatsApp and texted Keiji,

[Hey, hey, hey!!!] sent: 4:48 PM

[I've something very special planned for today, be curious, Akaashi! (ง'̀-'́)ง] sent: 4:50 PM

A little later his cell phone rang, which made him look up.

[I am curious, Bokuto-san.] sent by Akaashi: 4:56 PM

Koutarou's eyes glared at the bright screen. An answer from Keiji always meant he hadn't had a bad day, especially when he's using Koutarou's name.

[I'll pick you up in two hours!!!] sent: 4:58 PM

Koutarou let himself fall on his bed relieved, he could barely believe that something finally seemed to according to his plan.

Koutarou smugly entered Keiji's room and beamed broadly at him.

“Hey, hey!” he greeted him happily.

For the first time, Keiji's head was not turned towards the bare window; he was lying calmly on his back, looking at Koutarou and smiling, too. He nodded in greeting.

Koutarou's heart began to beat faster.

“You seem to be having a good day today, don't you, Akaashi?” Koutarou asked, and sat down on his familiar regular seat.

Keiji nodded silently and averted his gaze, now he was staring at the ceiling.

“Well then, I'll make it even better tonight!” Koutarou exclaimed confidently.

Koutarou pulled himself up and scurried to the other side of the hospital bed. He held out his hand expectantly to Keiji, who grabbed it a few seconds later. Koutarou pulled the setter up laboriously and even when Keiji stood steadfast on his shaky legs, Koutarou did not let go of his hand.

“Where are we going, Bokuto-san?” Keiji asked.

“Let yourself be surprised. I'm pretty sure you'll love it!” Koutarou replied excitedly.

Keiji released himself from the grip and then removed the tube that led from his nose. He hesitated a little, but finally freed himself from the tube at the crook of his arm, too.

“Try if you can walk alone.”

It was the first time since their walk that Keiji tried to walk on his own. And he made it, his gait was unsteady and reminded something of the gait of a drunk, but he made it. That was all that mattered now.

“Are we going to leave the hospital? If so, can you pass me something to wear?”

Koutarou nodded enthusiastically, opened the plain white cupboard, and took the first thing that caught his eye. There wasn't a big choice.

“C-Can you do it by yourself?” Koutarou asked a little ashamed, and looked at the silent Keiji.

He nodded slightly, and Koutarou was relieved. It wouldn't bother him particularly, but it would still be a bit embarrassing.

Keiji sat down on the edge of the bed and took off his shirt, causing Koutarou to swallow. The setter's ribs were already sharp-edged, which proved that he didn't eat properly the last few days. There were days when Keiji refused to eat the hospital meal. Not because it tasted gross, but because he didn't want to continue.

Koutarou sorted his thoughts, then took out his cell phone to distract himself.

A few moments later, Keiji had finished changing clothes, and it was good to see the former setter in everyday clothes again.

Koutarou and Keiji left the room afterwards.

The silver-haired man winced when he heard a female, stern voice.

“You don't want to sneak out, do you?” It almost sounded admonishing.

Koutarou was looking into the suspicious face of the nurse who was standing in front of them with crossed arms.

“N-No, I—” Keiji interrupted him, “we're just going out a bit, if it's okay. I'm fine, you also noticed that today.”

Koutarou nodded in agreement.

The nurse sighed, but in the end she agreed.

“Do not been gone too long, okay? That wouldn't be good for your health, Akaashi-kun.”

Koutarou looked alternately at his cell phone and at the sky when they reached the observation deck.

This is where it takes place.

Koutarou had deliberately chosen a quieter place so as not to stress Keiji pointlessly, or even to provoke a panic attack.

“Bokuto-san, what are we doing here?” Keiji leaned weakly against the railing.

“Wait a moment.”

Another look glanced at the cell phone in his right hand.

_7:26 PM_

Koutarou finally put his cell phone in his pocket and stood close to Keiji, who was shivering a little.  
Both looked up at the sky.

Isolated bright celestial bodies could be seen.

One was particularly noticeable: Venus.

Suddenly the long-awaited fireworks started and Koutarou's eyes widened; it was wonderful.

“Koutarou, that's...” Keiji paused, and when the silver-haired man looked at him, he saw a sky full of stars in his sparkling eyes.

Tears of joy formed in them and his eyes glared at the starry sky.

“Thank you, Koutarou.”

Now would have been the perfect time to say those three magical words.

_“I love you.”_

But he just couldn't bring it to his lips. They were sealed.

“Koutarou, you have to let go of me.”

_What?_

“What?” he said aloud this time.

Koutarou stared horrified at Keiji, who continued to follow the fireworks with his eyes.

“I don't have much time left and you... need to learn to let go.”

His voice sounded so exhausted, but most of all it was numb.

“No! I c-can't and I don't want t-that, you know that! I-I..” Koutarou paused because he knew it was hopeless.

Bitter tears rolled down his cheek and he had no intention of wiping them away.

“You shouldn't cry for me, Koutarou. You should enjoy your life, and not crouch by my sick bed every day and watch a hopeless teenager fall apart.

I'm going to die and you have to accept that.”

_I have to accept that? Does that mean..._

“Have you already accepted it, Keiji?” In a shaky voice he asked about what was already obvious from the beginning.

“Yes.”

A desperate sob escaped Koutarou.

“That's why I don't stand here and cry, Koutarou. I stand here, enjoying the fireworks, considering that I was probably able to leave the hospital for the last time in my life. You made this moment possible for me in the first place, Koutarou, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart.”

Keiji fixed his gaze on Koutarou, and smiled at him with his precious smile.

_“Don't ever forget me, Koutarou.”_

* * *

One more week passed faster than expected, fortunately not much changed, only that the route to the hospital was now burned into Koutarou's brain.

He got two blue-white lilies for Keiji today, even though there was no special occasion. He just wanted to make him happy.

Arrived at the hospital, Koutarou climbed the stairs with motivation until he reached the fourth floor. There he walked down the bare hallway, stopped in front of room #308, carefully opened the door and looked at his resting Keiji, who was looking out the window as always.

Koutarou hid the lilies behind his back.

“Hey, Akaashi! Here I am, sorry for being late,” he greeted him excitedly and sat down on his regular seat.

The black-haired setter didn't move his head, he showed no reaction, as always.

“Keiji, I brought you something!” Koutarou boasted smugly. He swallowed forebodingly when Keiji did not move his head even at the announcement.

“Keiji.”

Koutarou could hear his own heart beating in his chest.

“Keiji?”

Still no answer.

_No, no, no! That can't be true!_

Koutarou bridged his impending collapse with a forced smile that should assure himself that everything was fine.

But it wasn't.  
Absolutely not.

Koutarou reached out and put his hand around Keiji's waist, and turned his body in his direction.

It was surprisingly easy, because his body was light as a feather.

The silver-haired man let go of the expressive lilies and watched in slow motion as they fluttered to the ground.

The setter's skin tone was grayish, the dark circles under his reddened, exhausted eyes were coal-black and indicated that he had not slept for a second in the last few nights. The boy's cheekbones were really sticking out, showing that he'd lost about 20 pounds in the past week because he couldn't eat any proper meals.

He looked barely alive. No, not only did he look that way, he was halfway through.

The clock was ticking and Keiji didn't have much time left.

And although his condition had changed like this overnight, Koutarou was relieved that his terrifying thought was not confirmed, even if he already looked dead.

“W-W... who.. are you?” His rough voice trembled.

Koutarou pressed his hands to his face. A sob escaped him.

He had tried to suppress this moment as long as possible, but it was still clear to him that this would happen one day.  
He dreaded this question because he knew that it would break his soul completely in two.

And it did.

A few moments passed and Koutarou spread his fingers and peered through the gap when a trembling hand came to rest on his left knee.

“B-Bokuto-san?”

Koutarou dropped his hands, and beamed under his tears when the setter recognized him.

“W-why.. a-a-are you c-crying?”

Keiji's numb facial expressions could not be read, Koutarou already knew that it was too strenuous for the setter to use his facial muscles.

“You... I just didn't know your condition was getting worse overnight. I didn't visit you over the weekend because my mother insisted on doing something with me.”

It was true, Keiji was mentally barely present anymore, he rarely reacted to his surroundings. His pathological muscle twitching was the only thing that started to 'move' Keiji's body.

This was not the case every day, mostly only on extremely bad days, the doctor explained, but at some point he would not even be able to speak and would be able to do nothing more than wait for death - and that with full consciousness.

“I've brought you something, Akaashi,” Koutarou tried again, this time with more chance of success.

Koutarou bent down, carried the lilies in his hand, and held one of the two in Keiji's direction. He didn't expect Keiji to reach for it, but he wanted the younger one to at least see it up close.

“I purposely chose the purple lilies... Keiji.” Koutarou scratched the back of his head nervously with his free hand. He wondered if he finally had the courage to confess his love for him.

Although Keiji had changed quite a bit - inside and outside - he loved him as much as he did on the first day. Maybe even more, if that was possible.

“They represent the close bond between two people. I bought two to symbolize ourselves, if you get what I mean.” The older one beamed at the setter with a big smile, completely convinced of his gesture.

Keiji was silent, but Koutarou could sense that he wanted to at least try to contribute something.  
But the silver-haired anticipated it and went on talking.

“I wanted to tell you something, Keiji. A long time ago, you know...” Koutarou began, and finally averted his gaze.

He took a deep breath, “I lov—” Keiji interrupted him by gently brushing the back of his hand, “p-please ... d-don't s-say it.”

Koutarou's eyes widened when he heard the other's request.

_What?_

A thousand thoughts raced through his head. Didn't he love him that way? Was that too embarrassing for him? Didn't he want him?

Koutarou bit his trembling lower lip as he slowly withdrew his hand.

“Why?”

No Answer.

“Keiji, why?” The addressed one closed his eyes and placed his hands on his stomach.

He couldn't blame him, after all, Keiji only had a few months or weeks left in this world. He probably didn't want to spend this time building his first and last relationship. Koutarou knew that Keiji never wanted to leave him with this vast emptiness.

But it was already too late, he fell in love with this boy more every day, even though he was on the verge of losing him forever.

“I want you to symbolically keep the flower. Okay?”

Koutarou filled the narrow, elongated vase with water and let the single lily slide into it.

“I pray that you will last longer than the flower does.”

* * *

The next morning, Koutarou did not dare to get out of bed. All night long he wondered why Keiji wouldn't let him utter those three magical words.  
He rolled over in the bed, sweating and with his hair stuck together. His tears had long dried on his cheeks since he hadn't had the strength to wipe them away in the last few hours.

He pressed his rough palms to his forehead.

“Why you? Why the fuck you? It could have happened to anyone else, but damn it, not you!”

He held the blue-white lily tightly in his hand the whole time, showing no sign of letting go of it again in the next few hours.

The tinkling of his cell phone started unexpectedly that normally should have woken him up. But it won't be necessary in the next few days.

He reluctantly unlocked his cell phone and turned off the alarm. His gaze lingered on the WhatsApp icon and the tiny _one_ that was above the app logo.

He tapped the app and instantly the chat with Keiji jumped out at him.

_One unread message._

[Bokuto-san, the lily is beautiful. How did you know this is my favorite flavor?] sent: 3:07 AM

To be honest, Koutarou didn't even know that it was actually his favorite flower, he simply googled for exotic types of flowers, their meanings and quickly decided on trust between two people.

[Well, I know more than you think! （＾ν＾）] sent: 5:46 AM

Koutarou didn't know how Keiji managed to type in messages, but that he did it brought a smile to his face.

[You're really weird, Koutarou.] sent: 5:50 AM

Koutarou did not hesitate long.

[Akaashi, make up your mind: Either you call me by my first name or by my last name!! :D Make up your mind, Keiji!!] sent: 5:52 AM

The silver-haired man knew from his own experience that you could hide your true feelings on the internet; that much that the person, who received the messages, did not notice anything about the actual condition of you.

So it was with Koutarou, but so it was with Keiji, too. How was he really doing at the moment?

[Tell me, Keiji, how are you really doing right now? I don't think you feel like having fun right now, do you?] sent: 5:54 AM

Koutarou waited eagerly for another message, but it took time. Keiji was probably wondering which words to use and which not.

[To be honest? Crappy. I can barely move my fingers and its difficult to hit the right letters in the right order. Its luck that I am still able to form sensible sentences. But I have to get used to the fact that in a few weeks or days this won't be the case.] sent: 6:05 AM

The message drove his rising mood away, and he reverted to his old habits; he racked his brain over how Keiji was in excruciating pain.

[No, it'll take a while, Keiji. Look, two days ago you didn't even recognize me, and now you can write such long messages again! :D] sent: 6:08 AM

Koutarou reread his message to make sure he wasn't saying anything wrong, until suddenly the beginning of the sentence caught his eye. It was too late, Keiji already read the message, or at least that's what the two blue ticks in the bottom right told him.

Koutarou clapped his hand on his forehead. _This stupidity must be punished_ , he thought.

 _Crap._ Koutarou didn't want to worry Keiji, but he did just that by telling him that he no longer even recognized the person with whom he spent almost every day of his past weeks.

[What? Are you serious? Did that really happen?] sent: 6:13 AM

 _Of course he had to notice that_ , Koutarou thought. He was upset about it.

Normally, Koutarou would have called him immediately, but he also knew that the ex-setter probably wouldn't be able to keep his cell phone close to his ear to talk. So he decided against it and tried to fix it via text messages.

Should he tell him the truth?

Something inside of him screamed _no_ , but an even louder part yelled the opposite word _yes_.

[Well, hey, don't worry about it. It has only happened once so far. Definitely won't happen again. ;>] sent: 6:16 AM

Koutarou tried to loosen up the situation with the smiley, but he also knew that it was a deadly serious matter, which made him regret it immediately.

[What, I should not be concerned about it? What do I know what else has happened. Things that I've long forgotten, but aren't told to me because they don't want to make me feel insecure?] sent: 6:23 AM

Keiji was definitely indirectly asking Koutarou to tell him all the important things that he had already forgotten, or at least made the appearance of being forgotten. The silver-haired wanted to know whether he still remembered the attempted confession of love, but he obviously lacked courage.

[You don't forget important things, only your short-term memory suffers from your illness. Most of the time you forget what I told you two seconds before, but that doesn't matter.] sent: 6:27 AM

Koutarou was satiesfied with his statement.

[Mostly?] sent: 6:29 AM

_Yes, mostly._

[Always. Well, of course not always, haha, but if you forget something, then _always/only_ things that I told ya a few seconds ago.] Sent: 6:30 AM

Koutarou lied. He lied, and he knew it. Keiji wouldn't remember it for long anyway, would he? So what good would it do him to get the truth out now? Besides, it was just an isolated incident.

At least that's what he told himself.

[Yes, I understood, thank you, Bokuto-san. Are you coming to the hospital today?] sent: 6:33 AM

That question made Koutarou's heart beat faster.

[Of course!! (ﾉ´∀｀*)] sent: 6:34 AM

After three quarters of an hour of chatting, Koutarou put his cell phone aside. He had to admit, this conversation with Keiji cheered him up, no matter if it was mostly about his degrading abilities. He just appreciated being able to talk to Keiji.

Today Koutarou really wanted to take a walk in the hospital garden, which is why the elder reserved a wheelchair ahead of time. His anticipation was limited, but he really wanted to give Keiji a break from this bare, impersonal room.

Koutarou had to accept a brief discussion with the nurse, which he then won over, and pushed the wheelchair in front of him.

The nurse was hot on his heels, and when they arrived in room #308, she explained the circumstances to Keiji, while Koutarou looked spellbound at the lily.

“Akaashi-kun, is that okay with you?”

First and foremost, the addressed person showed no reaction, as always, but after a few moments he nodded weakly.

The nurse smiled slightly at Koutarou and removed the tube from his nose.

“Can you breathe on your own, Akaashi-kun?” She asked carefully, and Koutarou could watch the setter's chest move calmly up and down until he gave another nod.

A smile crept onto Koutarou's lips.

The nurse offered herself as a support, but Keiji refused with a shake of his head, apparently wanting to try it himself.

He straightened his body as if in slow motion, and after a few minutes he was on his shaky legs - that was the first time in weeks that Keiji got out of bed, of course it was a delicate matter.

The setter was sick to death, but he still tried to enjoy his life, which showed strength. He couldn't find his voice, but still announced that he wanted to try it alone.

His gait was unsteady, but the most important thing is that he made the short walk to the wheelchair without sagging. The nurse then smiled at him and wanted to speak to Koutarou again in front of the door.

“Don't be on the road too long, are you? A little walk will certainly do him good, but it shouldn't be a trip around the world. Do you already have an idea where you want to take him?”

Koutarou nodded vigorously, and told her about his plan.

“He will like it, I'm sure of that. I'm glad that you take such good care of him. You have to understand that you're the only one who visits him.”

Koutarou cocked his head, puzzled by the woman's statement.

“What about his mother?” the silver-haired man asked, worried. Didn't they have a good relationship as the setter made him believe?

 _Right_ , now when he thought about it more closely, he noticed that he hadn't seen his mother since the day Keiji was admitted. That didn't have to mean anything, of course, but after all it was a bit strange.

“Actually I'm not allowed to tell you, but I think he is no longer able to explain it to you by himself. And you're the only one left who's there for him anymore.” This made him nervous and sent a chill down his spine.

“His mother had told me a few weeks ago that she couldn't watch her son to fall apart. It's probably because—” Koutarou interrupted the nurse, “because his father suffered from the same disease,” he finished her sentence.

He couldn't imagine how lonely and devastated Keiji must had feel when he realized he will never see his mother again.

He understood his mother's motives, but simply leaving her son in the lurch because of her own suffering, which is half as bad, while he is dying is under all hell.

The nurse nodded. “Come on, don't make him wait too long.”

Koutarou pushed Keiji in front of him, who hadn't uttered a word all day. This morning he seemed to have been talkative, had he already forgotten about that?

“Keiji, do you remember why I gave you the blue-white lily?” Koutarou asked suddenly, but with an ulterior motive.

“H-how could I f-forget that?” Surprised that Keiji was listening to him and that the latter understood the words, he leaned down to him.

“Okay, then, look to the right.”

No sooner said than done. His gaze slid to the right, and his eyes widened - the first external reaction he had after days.

Koutarou beamed.

There was a square flower bed with lilies, which were colored blue and white.

“It's like they were grown especially for us, right?” Koutarou asked rhetorically, looking at the recently watered petals.

“H-How ... d-d-did you f-find th..them, B-Bokuto-san?” Keiji asked, still with a surprised expression on his face.

“I walked here a couple of times when you were sleeping. No, in all honesty? I sit here for several minutes almost every day and look at the blooming flowers. It helps me get along. So I thought I should bring you here, too, but you've been feeling so bad over the past few days that I couldn't even have brought you here in a dream,” Koutarou said frankly.

Suddenly bitter tears ran down Keiji's cheeks, tears of joy?

“T-Thank you.. Koutarou ...

Y-You kn..ow, e-every...t-thing h-hurts.. I-I-I d-don't have m-much time ... l-left, he-...here. I-I'm an a-absolute wr...wreck, but ... b-but you d-don't ... move f-from my s-s-side ...

Thank... y-you, K-Koutarou.”

Koutarou ducked in front of Keiji, took his bony, cold hands and squeezed them gently.

“I will never leave you, Keiji. I lo- I won't let you down.”

* * *

In the past month the situation has changed drastically.

Koutarou continued to visit Keiji daily, but Keiji didn't seem to notice most of them. It was a tragedy.

Keiji didn't move a meter, his muscles were still twitching uncontrollably, but his involuntary movements eased because he lacked the strength. He could no longer eat on his own. He could neither speak. His reactions has left completely, his independent breathing, too.

Either he was just lying in bed with closed eyes, or he was asleep. More wasn't possible.

It was like a vegetative state. He just couldn't do anything anymore, neither open his eyes nor something else, but he could hear everything.

And Koutarou knew that.

Keiji had reached his limit, but Koutarou refused to admit it. _He wouldn't survive another day_ , they told him, _he could close his eyes forever at any moment_ , they said, but he didn't want to hear those words.

“It’s time to say goodbye,” they said a few mimutes ago.

Koutarou buries his face in the crook of his arm, which he placed on Keiji's torso. His breath is shallow, barely noticeable - barely there. He looks at the ECG curve on the heart monitor almost every second.

“Keiji, why didn't you ever let me say it?”

The beeping of the monitor and the soft sobbing of the elder is the only thing that fills the room.

“We could have done so much. Why do you have to separate us now?”

Koutarou bursts into tears in despair.

“I love you, damn it, I love you so much, and it hurts to know that you are hearing everything now, but cannot answer, because you're about to fucking die, soon.”

Another glance flits to the monitor.

“I can't believe it. Why did you never notice? Or ... did you? Yes, you did. Why did you never tell me how you felt about me?”

Koutarou fixes his gaze on Keiji's pale, crumbling face.

“I can't live without you. I'm not ready, Keiji. You mustn't leave me, never. But you still have to, sooner or later - during the day.”

Koutarou shakes his head in frustration.

“D-Did I ever tell you h-how excited I was w-when we m-m-met at the... c-cinema? I-I prepared it so well; I-I wanted to confess my l-love to you, and what were you d-doing...? Y-Y-You d-dropped the b-bomb.. and t-taught me.. t-that you can no l-l-longer be by m-my side.. Y-You told me you were going to d-die, and that pretty.. s-soon.”

The smile that crept onto his lips fades with the words he utters.

He takes another look at the EKG curve, and with a heavy heart he notices that the curve is slowly flattening out.

“N-No, no, no ... p-please.. you mustn't leave m-me, please...

I l-love you, Keiji. I love you, d-damn it.”

Finally, Koutarou puts his lips on the dying man's and whispers some words against them.

_“I’ll never forget you.”_

In the next moment the monitor emits a painful high-pitched sound, which tells Koutarou that Keiji is now released.

He lets his forehead sink onto the setter's, and bitter tears dripped onto his ice-cold, pale skin.

_“So, don't forget me either, Akaashi Keiji.”_

Doctors and nurses enter the room, and Koutarou slides down the bare wall behind him, wraps his arms around his legs, and places his head on his knees.

_“Time of death: 3:04 PM.”_

In the following days, Koutarou finally understood how Keiji had felt on his last days on this cruel earth: lonely, empty, half-dead and still fully conscious.

All he did was staring at the bare ceiling and thinking of the deceased's fragile and beautiful smile.

_“Don't forget me, Koutarou.”_

His reddened eyes burned like hell, and coalblack circles were beneath them. He could barely move his body, it felt like a heavy steel wall was lying on top of him. His breath was shallow and came at short intervals, the loss of Keiji forced the remaining air out of his lungs. His thoughts were a complete mess, which he didn't even try to resolve.

He felt barely alive, and for a moment, he wished he wasn't. He wanted to close his eyes forever, just like Keiji did. It was painful, but to go on with life is almost like a torture which he couldn't endure and above all, didn't want to.

He didn't know, how he was supposted to get up at morning, eat, and then go to school without collapsing.  
He didn't know, how he was supposed to have fun again on this cruel earth.

He didn't know anything.

But he didn't care either.

It felt like drowning. What was worse?  
Drowning beneath the waves; or dying from the thirst?  
Drowning - everyone saw him dying, but no one was able to save him, although he was calling for help.  
The immense current pulled him into the open sea, and the waves repeatedly pushed him under water. Then he ran out of breath, his body was paralyzed, he lost consciousness and finally drowned. He lived through his last moments in panic knowing that he was about to die and that no one could save him.

The waves replace his immeasurable grief.

“Did you felt like this, Keiji?” he asked with a exhausted voice. “No, you couldn't speak, you couldn't look, all you could do was hearing me collapsing in front of your sickbed. You just lay there and waited for your death, right? Did you hear my last words? I'm sorry, I really didn't want to spend your last minutes like this, Keiji.”

Koutarou started sobbing again, but he just kept staring at the ceiling. His limbs were numb, and for a brief moment he thought, his heart started beating slower. There were longer intervals between the individual heartbeats. His eyelids fell shut, for the first time after several sleepless nights he could close his burning eyes for at least 30 seconds.

He's drowning.  
But this time he wouldn't do anything about it. He endures it, waiting for relief.

A few minutes later, his cell phone, which was actually muted, rang on his bedspread. He winced, and then he felt for his cell phone.

He was hoping for a miracle, for _that_ miracle.  
He wished with all his heart that he'd read his name now, and that he'd hear his voice one more time - saving him from drowning.

Instead, it just showed his best friend's name.

He reluctantly picked up the phone.

“Tetsu?” he asked in a exhausted voice.

“Hi, Kou-Bro.”

As usual, Kuroo called to check out his condition.

“How are you doing today?”

Koutarou was silent.

“How is he doing?”

He was still silent.

“Kou, I can call you again later,”  
Koutarou interrupted him with a sob.

“I-I... h-he's d..d-drown..ing,” he paused.

“Shit shit shit, I... I'll come over right now, okay?”

The silver-haired man nodded, although the younger one couldn't see it.

He didn't even notice.

A week after the previous incident, he stands in front of the gravestone, staring at the initials on the marble while holding the two very special flowers in his freezing hand. He smiled weakly at them through tears.

“In the end you lasted as long as these two flowers.

Do you remember when I said the two lilies represent us? It's true, they are withered, and so are you.  
Just like me.”

Then he lets go of it; the meaningful lilies, and at the same time the unbearable pain of loss.  
But there is one thing he doesn't let go of:

The unique moments he experienced with Keiji.

_"I hope you are now in one of our countless parallel universes, in which we share a secret and understand the meaning behind the blue and white lily,_

_Happy 18th birthday, Akaashi Keiji."_

**Author's Note:**

> First of all: thank you for reading my story!
> 
> I've to say that I've no idea what kind of feelings the story is supposed to trigger. Whether sadness, emptiness, or maybe nothing at all, that plays a big role.  
> I hope, of course, that you noticed that the storyline is supposted to be sad, haha.
> 
> I don't know how I came up with this idea either. All of a sudden, just that one thought haunted me, and wow, it wouldn't let go of me. I didn't even have the slightest intention of uploading the fanfic because I'm actually pretty insecure about it.
> 
> But I don't wanna be the only critic of my works anymore, which is why I take this step here. :)
> 
> I just had the urge to wrap all of my feelings in one fat OS, and I think I put it quite well. I wanted to scream, but I couldn't. So I had to vent my feelings out somehow differently, and in that case I took them out on Keiji, but especially on Koutarou.  
> I'm sorry.
> 
> Sometimes I hung in front of my screen until five in the morning, writing and writing until my eyes burned, like Bokuto's at the end. Actually, I pretty much described my condition there, haha.
> 
> The story has autobiographical strands.
> 
> I have to say that within two weeks I wrote the story in 4-5 days and only revised it on the remaining days. I added and removed about 3,000 words, haha. I'm still not 100 percent satisfied, but I don't think I'll ever be.
> 
> Again: Thank you, and bye.


End file.
